I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.