[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Dammit Chief not again
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that