Money is the root of all wealth
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*