lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
be careful
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”