My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.