casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that