ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Its a hippotatomus
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo