watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.