That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom