If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I ate everything, including the H.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Ovenable?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so