“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
not seeing the problem
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I unironically love this joke.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed