Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.