Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.