[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“I FIXED IT!”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce