Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
You Might Also Like
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I wanna be friends with this person
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper