The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
You Might Also Like
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
School be like
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
OMG 🤣🤣
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?