I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
men, we mow at sunrise.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Terribly Tuesday.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.