They’re on their honeymoon
You Might Also Like
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
haha same
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first