I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.