You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion