Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.