I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat