I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Inside you there are two wolves
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
What even happened today?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
bought wrong eggs
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.