I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.