i love modern commerce
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
sistine chapel
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her