My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Owl Sanctuary
I’ll be mad as hell!
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
the answer was staring at me all along
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.