I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
getting old is fun
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.