Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
#Caturday
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow