Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Tell the colonel to bring it
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?