Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*