A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it鈥檚 easy to get inside!
GUY WHO鈥橲 ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it鈥檚 *too* easy?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO鈥檚 toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I鈥檓 teary-eyed thinking about how my child鈥檚 object brings my father comfort, but damn, we鈥檝e been looking for that.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don鈥檛 stop i will
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??