Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
PLOT TWIST:
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*