Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’M CRYINGGG
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Taco Bell, Exit 22
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’