Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.