Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.