My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
who did the taste test?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.