I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
So true for me
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.