Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?