My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much