Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Just me and my debit card against the world
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies