Respect
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.