Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Self-cleaning conscience
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!