BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
*seductively corrects your posture*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Liquor Store Parking
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.