Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Writing, She Murdered.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.