[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?