Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
happy mother’s day❤️
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?