Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!