me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You Might Also Like
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.