That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.