the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I鈥檇 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[Neo鈥檚 Matrix bullet dodge but instead it鈥檚 me taking a compliment]
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 馃Ч
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.